Duck, duck, goose

Love 'em or hate 'em, there's no escape

Divebomb Dave

Thinks he’s a seagull. Campus clown, mocked by the other birds. Doesn’t realise they’re laughing at him, not with him. He’s the idiot who never learns from his mistakes. Often seen overshooting the lake and bouncing off Vanbrugh Dining Hall windows as his latest ‘stunt’ goes wrong.

King of the campus

Several birds seem to be vying for this spot, mainly geese. Think they own the place, sit where they like, glare at you if you come within their vicinity (never mind that they’re in the middle of a bridge or cycle path). Unlikely to act upon their grievances, as this would involve moving from their ‘throne’, which they are disinclined to do.

The Ninja

Thinks he can take anyone. You won’t see him coming. Most likely to be found amongst bushes, daffodils or water reeds, depending on the time of year. Stakes out unsuspecting freshers like a lion stalks a gazelle. Lurks in campus CCTV blackspots. Particulalry enjoys open days as they bring fresh meat. Fear not though, once he has you pinned against a wall, you will see the look of confusion in his eyes as he realises he hasn’t thought out his next move. Your best chance of escape is when he is rummaging around in his ninja belt for his copy of “Ninjaing for Dummies”. Migrates to Rowntree Park for the summer, when victims are few and far between on campus.

The duck who thinks he’s a goose

Gunning for a fight with anyone or anything. Has been spotted starting on inanimate objects such as railings in the past. Most likely to be heard saying “I’ll take this one lads. Lads? I thought you were behind me? Guys, come back. Please?” as his ‘homies’ beat a hasty retreat when he tries to take on a swan twice his size. Most famous for numerous appearances on Crimewatch over the years.

The Swans

In the playground that is the campus lake, these majestic birds are the “rahs”, the Jack Wills clad figures who rise above the debauchery and destruction of the other birds, skilfully steering their young away from any chance of interaction with the commoners. Don’t like rain as it makes their feathers frizzy. They have a weakness for a cheeky Efes, should any unsuspecting student happen to drop one on the way home from a night out. There’s something about the smell of saturated fat that makes them forget about the diet, just for a moment.

The Wimp

Wouldn’t say boo to a goose (excuse the pun). Scared of his own reflection (not that he sees it very often in the sludgy excuse of a lake). Rarely ventures out of the undergrowth. Has heard about this wonderful new lake in a place called ‘Hes East’ from the other ducks, but as he has never left his native Derwent he is unlikely to ever get there. Doesn’t like people. Doesn’t like other birds. Doesn’t like cars, bikes, trees, daylight, the dark...

Special mention also goes to the infamous ginger duck, who is often the subject of jokes on campus, through no fault of his own.

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