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Rebecca's name has been changed to protect her privacy.
“It was the most unfortunate of accidents because we were always just so careful. I still to this day don’t know what went wrong. It was a horrible freak accident.”
Despite having a stable relationship with her boyfriend at the time, Rebecca knew that her aspirations could not accommodate having a child at that point in her life. Aged 18, she was awaiting her A-level results the summer before planning to come to university.
“Close friends tend to talk about that sort of thing; they ask each other what they’d do if ever in that situation. I’ve always felt that I wouldn’t want a baby when I was young.”
Rebecca didn’t feel she had any choice but to have an abortion. It was what the rest of her own life depended upon.
I’ve always felt that I wouldn’t want a baby when I was young.
“It’s such an individual decision but I wouldn’t personally have been able to handle a child at that age. It was the wrong time entirely – I could see two possible futures for myself, one leading to a successful career and the other miserable.”
Whilst controversies over abortion still occupy parliament forty years after its legalisation, with MPs on Wednesday rejecting calls to lower the 24-week limit for abortion, the individual’s account can easily be lost amongst the uproar of public debate.
The statistics reveal that a multitude of women undergo the procedure, with almost 200,000 abortions in England and Wales in 2006. Of these, 89% were carried out before 13 weeks and just 2% after 20 weeks.
Asked at the clinic to guess how old she thought the foetus might be, Rebecca was shocked to find that conception had occurred at an earlier time than the night she had presumed. Luckily it was not necessary to seek permission for the procedure from two separate doctors in her case, a point of current legislation which is also controversial.
Unspoken conscientious objection of some GPs can delay the process of getting an abortion, creating an obstruction to women who may have to travel from abroad to obtain an abortion legally. In Northern Ireland, abortion is only permissible if the mother’s life is severely in danger.
If the abortion is not provided through the NHS, the cost of a private procedure would be crippling for most students. Advertised on the Marie Stopes website, “surgical abortion up to 12 weeks (non-anaesthetic) costs £465” and “surgical abortion up to 12 weeks (conscious sedation) costs £525”. The initial face-to-face consultation would cost £70.
York University’s ‘Right to Choose’ fund aims to prevent financial considerations from being the main influence of a student’s decision when she finds herself pregnant. The Women’s Officers explain that the fund is used impartially to aid either the cost of childcare or if necessary a private abortion.
The accentuated difficulties of raising a child as a student are undeniable, but it is possible. “The campus crèche closes at six, and lectures finish at six fifteen”, one Women’s Officer points out.
Rebecca remembers the unavoidable practicalities involved in carrying out her decision.
“I knew that I was going to have to tell my Mum. I remember going to the bank with her and withdrawing enough money to cover the cost of a private abortion if my GP had refused to give me one through the NHS.”
“She didn’t ever attempt to tell me what she thought I should do. But I know she was very upset when I insisted she didn’t tell my Dad.”
Rebecca was warned by her doctor to expect pro-life protestors to be surrounding the clinic. They may have tried to change her mind as she entered, offering her leaflets and bearing placards.
“It angers me that pro-life direct attacks at people already going through something so awful. They should address protests to the government not individuals who are already going through such an ordeal.”
Upon entering the clinic, Rebecca was given the option of how heavily she wanted to be anaesthetised. She chose the mildest level of sedation because she was desperate to avoid her father’s suspicion if she returned home drowsy.
“I actually don’t know if I was sedated at all. The pain was excruciating. It sounds like a horror story, but I remember asking the nurse if it was nearly over and she just sort of laughed at me.”
Despite the passage of nearly three years since the event, dredging up such horrific details from the memory of her experience remains intensely painful for Rebecca. Time has allowed her to see her ordeal with a certain sense of distance, but she confesses “it has had a massive emotional impact.”
Intolerant at the time of her boyfriend’s own emotional response to the situation, Rebecca now understands that he had a right to be upset too.
“I felt guilty that I had to involve my boyfriend in what I felt was essentially my problem – it was my body, and it angered me at the time that he took it so badly. I don’t regret the decision although it hurts a lot. I just feel sad for myself, and for my boyfriend.”
“I’ve not fully explored how much it has affected me, how deeply that wound runs. I still cry about it often – so when people talk about it in conversation I’m very aware that it’s probably showing on my face.”
“I’d only ever want to discuss it with a few people so it terrifies me that I might hear someone I care about say, ‘that’s murder’ – it just makes me want to disappear when people say that.”
Rebecca has never received counselling for her experiences. Describing the abortion’s effect in such depths may be the first step to some sort of catharsis for her.
“In a weird sort of way, if something good comes out of this - if someone in the same situation can see that their life will go on as normal eventually - talking about it was the right thing to do.”
“I fully agree with increasing sex education and for people to be more aware of things like the female cycle. I feel incredibly unlucky and it annoys me because I think people should take more care of themselves – I wouldn’t want my worst enemy to go through what I have.”
“I didn’t have an action plan, and I’ve always understood both sides of the debate.”
Rebecca’s overall attitude to abortion has remained consistent, but without the support of her Mum she feels that her physiological state today would be in tatters.
The abortion issue remains one of national concern, provoking powerful responses for most people. It touches the depths of our belief systems over life itself, calling into question people’s established religious and social persuasions with unpredictable force. And yet the core of the issue, which leaves people stumbling to justify their reasons for supporting or condemning abortion, is almost impossible to pin down.
It sounds as if her main concern here was the inconvenience of the situation with respect to her career, sadly at the cost of her baby's life.
I applaud anyone who can speak openly about what they've gone through, like this woman has.
Whether we agree with the decision or not, it is in the past, and we should be thankful that people come out with their stories of abortion, adding to the debate.
I think that it's important to realise that many people haven't thought about abortion in perspective and when something like this happens its understandable that you would think of the immediate consequences and not be in a fit position to decide on the rights and wrongs of the situation - I can't imagine, it must be so difficult being under so much pressure to make a life-altering choice.
Rebecca, or whatever your name is, thank you for telling your story.
To James Hogan:
What is the value of a "career"? Here, for the woman concerned, it obviously was not simply a case of a job, the term is used in a way that includes personal development, both academic and emotional, the idea of achieving a sense of self, and that elusive element, happiness.
When Rebecca refers to a "successful" future self and a "miserable" one, it seems reasonable to assume that a miserable mother who regretted, maybe even resented, her decision to keep the child, would not build an ideal environment for the growing child.
Initial motherhood is often experienced as an incredibly difficult and frustrating time for many women, whatever the nuclear family mythology says, and at 18 I certainly wouldn't have risked my own mental health and that of my child.
A career might mean nothing to you, but at 18 it is not merely a case of getting a good job, it is also about gaining a sense of oneself. If Rebecca had the courage to know that she was not ready to be a mother, not to mention the courage it must have taken ever since to face the experience and continue towards happiness, I don't think you, who will never know what it is like to have a child inside you both promising and threatening your future, have any right to dismiss her actions as simple, clear-cut selfishness.
Rose Edwards:
If you read what I wrote you'll find I did not call her selfish or pass judgement on her decision, I merely pointed out how I found the outcome sad.
However since you have made assumptions as to my beliefs, and tried to pursuade me that a career can be worth more than a human life, I shall respond in the hopes of pursuading you otherwise.
Whatever the value of a career etc for the woman concerned was, did it really exceed the value of her own child's life (the child's career included)?
At the end of the day it is not only her that was affected by her decision.
Research shows that a baby produces chemicals which go into the mother's bloodstream, preventing the mother's body from rejecting the baby as it naturally would. The baby has to defect itself from its own mother.
The argument that its up to the mother what she does with her own body is invalidated by the fact that the baby's body is not part of the mother's body (otherwise it would not need to defect itself against it).
While I can understand that she was obviously worried about her future and the difficulties to come, it would not have been impossible or necessarily miserable, and I believe it certainly did not warrent the murder of her baby.
respectfully,
James
I think your two arguments just demonstrated how these two viewpoints will never be able to compromise
Thank you for this article i think that the issue is not talked about often enough and i'm so grateful that someone else has had the courage to come forward and tell their story. There were many interesting facts in the article that i did not know. It was well and sensitively written and it made me think alot. I hope that 'Rebecca' will move forward from this step and find everything that she needs to help her if needs be x
While this was a very well and sensitively written article, and I admire her courage, as someone who has recently had a miscarriage I find it sad that the priority of the support services at the university are geared towards preventing pregnancy and helping those who are want advice on terminations, and there is nothing for those of us who have lost much-wanted children.
Just thought i'd pass this information on: There is a charity named 'Reflect' which offers free crisis pregnancy counselling and also free pregnancy testing (which are also available for free through Grace Fletcher-Hall at the SU&college welfare reps). There are trained volunteers to offer time&space to talk through the options of parenting, termination and adoption when someone faces a crisis pregnancy. They use counselling skills to facilitate someone making their own informed decision. They are also developing the service in the area of post abortion&miscarriage counselling. You can find them at the Priory Street centre, also known as York CVS, in town on Wednesdays for drop in's or you can make appointments on other days or evenings. x x x
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