Silence is Golden

Sometimes its better to keep quiet

I’m sure it happens to me more than most yet I like to believe I’m not alone in my sexual misadventures, however, it is often difficult to decide how to deal with these little mistakes, especially if the partner is not a regular one with whom you can laugh these things off. I generally find that in many instances it’s just best to let these things slide.

Perhaps one of my messier errors was when an ex-boyfriend and I decided that it would be fun to experiment with lube. Finding ourselves without any, we resorted to using lube designed for use on his ski boots. I would like to point out that it was entirely organic boot lube; I’m not sure why but this fact makes me feel slightly better about the whole incident. I just find it comforting to remind myself that at least I wasn’t having various chemicals worked into my various nooks and crannies.

Anyway, I was rather taken aback when he picked up the bottle and doused me in the stuff. It was great fun for all of 30 seconds before the vast amount of lube started to dry up and flake off my body. My skin was turning red raw with all the friction and I was soon forced to run down the corridor (naked, red and flaky)

I was soon forced to run down the corridor (naked, red and flaky)

to the bathroom where even 10 minutes of scrubbing didn't solve my problem. It was a day later when the residue finally cleared. Needless to say the experience was not quite as sexy as we had envisaged and we didn’t speak of it again.

Somewhat more recently an incident which merited greater delicacy on my part occurred; I was having sex with my “casual” man and in the midst of our romp he grabbed my bum. Now, I have a problem with having my bum touched- I can’t explain why but for some reason it really does send shivers down my spine. I generally warn people that I hate it and so they refrain from touching yet on this occasion, that fact seems to have slipped his mind.

As he grabbed it, I instantly reacted; shudders went through me and I squealed and wriggled away. He looked at me in amazement then said “That was such a strong orgasm you just had!” Normally, I would never lie about having had an orgasm but he seemed so pleased with himself that I couldn’t quite bring myself to burst his bubble so I nodded and decided to keep my mouth shut for once, having come to the conclusion that explaining my bodily spasm would be far more awkward.

I’m usually an “honesty is the best policy” kind of girl but when it comes to such cringe-worthy or uncomfortable moments I generally find myself all for keeping quiet and pretending it didn’t happen.

A friend found herself in such a situation when her boyfriend, who was in the middle of performing oral sex on her, decided it would be fun to try the sixty-nine position and she was horrified when, without any warning, he turned himself around and straddled her face in what she claims to be the most ungraceful manoeuvre she’d ever seen, leaving her with a full on and very close-up anus view of him. I imagine it killed her attraction to him for a moment and she assures me it is a vision that will stay with her forevermore.

Again, she chose to just keep quiet on the matter and let him continue, blissfully unaware of her “raging disgust”.

It seems that sometimes communication is not always key; some things are better left unsaid and I am more than happy to leave these moments behind.

I'll finish with some sentences that have been uttered either to myself or to an acquaintance which should never be said:'

• “It does get bigger you know.” (No, it doesn’t...)
• “You don’t have to pretend you enjoy it.”
• “I’m sorry my cock is so small”
• “I’m going to count down from 50...” (To what?!)
• “They call me Donkey Kong”
• “You remind me of my sister.” (Nothing like hints of incest to kill the mood)
• “Where did it go?” (I’m not elaborating on what “it” is)
• “Are you going to eat that?” (The kebab on the bedside table)
• “I think I’m going to be sick”
• “You know that’s my leg right?”

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