The five most important lessons I’ve learnt from relationships...

With this in mind, I thought I would impart some Lady O words of wisdom. They might seem like nonsense or unreasonably harsh, but this is what I’ve learnt from my years of dating, relationships and casual sex. Some of the lessons have been hard but I’m glad I learnt them as they have often save me from having to endure the same heartache again. So, here we go, in no particular order:

You can’t change people

Seems obvious really, but it’s amazing how many of us get involved with people knowing that they’re liars, or really possessive, or arrogant, or that they cheated on their last girlfriend/boyfriend, and yet we think that with us they’ll be different; that somehow the lust we’re in is completely different to that they’ve shared with other people. Sorry - it isn't.

Just because they’re full of affection and thoughtfulness now, doesn’t mean they’ll stay that way, and there’s very little you can do about it. People are what they are and, try as we might, we cannot change them. It's best to just accept that; if you wish to go out with a liar and a cheat then great, you have nothing to worry about - but don’t bother getting involved with one if not, as you’ll most likely be the next casualty.

Sex is never like it is in films

The media is guilty of giving us unrealistic expectations about a lot of things, sex being one of them. In my experience sex is nothing like in films, not least because they never prepare us for the awkward things which happen in real life; like accidentally kneeing a bloke in the crotch, or discovering that it really doesn’t bend that way...

You should always be ready to see the humour in sex and know that it’s ok to laugh when things go wrong. Making light of the situation is far more beneficial to you both than stressing over it. The first time I suffered some “lady wind” (I’m loathe to use the term “fanny fart”), I dissolved into a fit of giggles and buried my face in the pillow. Yes, I was a tad embarrassed (you have no control of it you know!), but the moment passed comfortably when he laughed too and then scooped me up out the pillows to try again.

A broken heart mends

Time is a healer, there are plenty more fish in the sea, you obviously weren’t right for each other etc. All completely useless and annoying when you’ve just been dumped; nevertheless they are all true. Both myself and my friends have at some point or other found ourselves completely heartbroken. The kind of “I’ll never ever get over him or find anyone else” heartbroken that makes you lie awake at night, cry when you see people holding hands and walk around with a face like a slapped arse for at least a week. Yet, lo and behold, we have all recovered, only to then go on and replay the whole palaver when we break up with the next bloke.

Sex is best done sober

Really can’t stress this enough. Granted, drunken sex will always go on but we all know it’s usually a bit rubbish and awkward and fumbly. In fact, the only notable good point is that you can’t really remember it.

Personally, I am a lazy drunken sex-er - don’t bother trying anything new because I most likely would prefer to be asleep at that point and the motion isn’t doing much for my alcohol-induced nausea. I’m not saying don’t have sex when you’re drunk, just don’t expect much from it.

Don’t rely on anyone else

No matter how in love you might be now, don’t base your life on anyone else or the assumption that you’ll live happily ever after. Remember to do your own thing and go the way you want to go in life. If you make your decisions based on what your boyfriend/girlfriend is doing and where they are going, you might find yourself coming unstuck if you find the relationship has run its course. Yes, compromise is necessary in some situations, but don’t let yourself wake up one day to discover you’re living their life instead of yours.

So there you go, I might not have sussed it out, but I’ve learnt a little and I’ve had a hell of a lot of fun along the way which is the most important thing - if you aren’t having fun, it’s not worth it.

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