Real Men Don't Dance

Dancing, is it just for the ladies?

Efron, a twenty-one-year-old who could probably have any girl in the world. Healey, a macho rugby player with more muscle in his left arse cheek than I have in my whole body. Depp, a stupidly cool actor who in his time has played pirates, gangsters and murderous barbers. All of them are worthy of the respect of any alpha male.

But are they? Zach Efron has reportedly just signed up to appear in the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Lots of men would be thrilled at the chance to strut about in full pirate regalia, swigging rum and singing “Fifteen holes in a dead man’s chest”. Committing himself to such a role boosts Efron’s man credentials. He is also lusted after by the majority of the women on the planet, some of whom may even be attractive. In these respects he is everything an alpha male should be, clad in pirate gear and fighting off the attentions of doable young ladies.

Zac: Alpha Male material?

But look beneath the surface, or in young Zach’s case not that far, and behold the reality. The majority of Zach Efron’s admirers are pre-pubescent innocents who rave about him to their mum on their way down to town to buy the latest Pink album. His fame is based on a film where he prances about in make-up singing inane songs.

Then he did it again. And again. Soon he’s going to do it again.

Everything a man would want to be? In some ways certainly, but in other ways as much of a ‘real man’ as Paul O’Grady in drag.

Austin Healey? Fair enough, he’s a successful rugby player whose probably spent more time in the gym than I’ve spent in the pub. Trust me, that’s a lot of time. He’s stacked, competitive and outspoken, surely a prime example of an alpha male if ever there was such a thing. Yet it seems not. Old Austin appears to have ditched the rugby pitch for the dance floor, not the natural habitat of an alpha male unless their off their heads drunk on beer or dancing at some blonde in a short skirt. For every point he picks up off the judges on Strictly Come Dancing he sheds about sixty man points in the process. He is dangerously approaching negative figures in this respect, an area previously only inhabited by Boy George and fans of Five.

How the mighty have fallen.

Finally, Johnny Depp. He has Efron’s sex appeal, but manages to retain the affections of girls once they hit their teens. While Healey won man points beating the crap out of guys on the pitch, Depp has earned his through portraying typically manly people. Set Willy Wonka aside for a second, and remember Captain Jack Sparrow, Donnie Brasco and Sweeney Todd. A pirate, a gangster and a murderer? Manly professions each and every one.

Not for him dancing about like an idiot in an average film about a musical. You’d never catch Johnny flushing his masculinity down the toilet doing ballroom dancing on the telly for an extra couple of quid.

I’m not here to preach. I also have very little against Zach Efron or Austin Healey. The alpha male is a pirate, a criminal, a hard man. They jump, stumble, spin, fight and leer. The habitat of the alpha male is not the dance floor.

Real men don’t dance.

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