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No matter how hard we block it out or pretend it’s not there reminders of past relationships tend to haunt us. Memories triggered by the smallest of things; a certain look, smell, the way an ex used to pronounce certain words, it’s inescapable. In a second you drift into a nostalgic state of ‘the way things were’. It is an unspoken truth that most people are constantly reminded of their previous partners.
There are always going to be memories of ex-relationships, some that you can’t forget, and others that you are happy to simply brush aside. Don’t get me wrong, the ex-relationship may well and truly be over, with no going back, but you still can reminisce about your time together. Even if you move away or find someone else, does an ex ever really go away?
The ex is feared; they know you better than anyone else. They are the people you have invested time with and shared the most intimate of moments. Most people would probably deny that they still have feelings for their exes but I would argue there is always going to be that spark, charm and attraction you first had to them, even if that fades, you still have some good memories from time with them. A faint fondness still remains. It seems that after a relationship breaks down people fall into two categories; the ones who (sometimes understandably) HATE their exes, and the ones who accept that the relationship didn’t work out and think maybe in future you’ll end up together. I know far too many people who return to their exes at a later stage thinking ‘this time it will be different’. It seems to work for very few people; for most it generates just a long drawn out break-up process which you have already been through before. It’s too easy to get wrapped up in a past connection, fall into the trap of a nostalgic emotional engagement and start re-dating an ex. Lets face it- maybe Ross and Rachel were just not meant to be together.
Just recently I was shopping, minding my own business, and out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw my ex. I literally froze with fear; I’m not sure if it was down to surprise but I just didn’t think that seeing them again could inspire such an extreme reaction. Thankfully it was not my ex, just an uncanny look-alike, no doubt sent by fate to freak me out a little. I know what you’re thinking, that I’m still hung up and am clearly not over it. Well, for many reasons the relationship didn’t work out and I would NEVER consider a relationship with them again. It was a long time ago and I think even if I saw them randomly in twenty years time it would probably inspire the same reaction. It’s this uncomfortable reaction from most people when they see their exes again, that allows me to conclude that ex’s never really go away. At any moment you could, in a bustling street or crowded club, bump into them again. The contact always gives potential.
Even if you start dating someone else it’s hard not to make comparisons. You know full well that you are also being compared to their previous lovers. If I enter a new relationship I hate knowing too much about the other person’s ex, but it is part of their history, they have shaped them in a way and made them who they are. Relationships are seemingly haunted by the memories of the 'ever present' past. The knowledge that they have been so emotionally and physically entangled makes me very wary of new partner’s exes. They are perhaps the biggest threat to your relationship, with an emotional connection and history that can be used and abused when judging your relationship.
Whether we still love or hate our previous partners they continue to be an ever present force in our lives. Unless you move away and suffer from amnesia, it’s just one of those things you have to live with. Until then, I’m just hoping that I can go out without my ex continually materializing out of the blue.
comment deleted by the author Love or hate? Surely you're missing the third (admittedly rarer, and perhaps more mature option)...
You have simply grown apart.
Throughout uni everyone is constantly evolving and changing, being shaped by the circles they move in. In the case where a couple finds that they are very different from the two people that met and fell in love years before, there can be a respectful parting of ways.
In this scenario there is a mutual admission that they are no longer right for each other. After a period of resentment that is necessary at the termination of any long term relationship, a friendship can be reformed. This friendship connection of course involves the intimate knowledge that the couple once shared, but also their relating to the experience of re-entering the single world, and each ex's interest and caring in the success of the other.
In short, the ex situation is only awkward if either party wishes it to be so.
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