Faye Priestley has rounded up the last of the sales bargains for guys
Introducing Modern Man's new columnist, who goes by the name of John Smith...
Nathan Blades shares his tips for successful Christmas shopping
James Tompkinson shares his experience of the all important Christmas shopping.
As a critic, relationships can be seen as a deal between two people. Without being told, you are forced to sign away certain freedoms to gain a relationship-equality in order to be a ‘couple’; a single entity, which attend events together, eat the same meals and plan activities around each other’s schedule. Perhaps it is easy to notice that I study politics, as I’m likening a relationship to a social contract, but to me that’s exactly what it is; a constraint on one’s personal freedoms.
The problem with my relationship, which ended a few weeks ago, was that it wasn’t at all bad. The man I was with was the most genuine person I’ve ever been with; he was so lovely and I knew that he would never hurt me. But I was smothered, by the fact that I felt my personality crippled and unable to be myself as a single entity. Within the relationship, I was ‘him & him’; I was “is ‘he’ coming to?”, “what’s ‘he’ doing tonight?”, “how is ‘he’?” I didn’t want to be associated with ‘him’; I just want to be me. I want the freedom to do what I want, whether that’s go out without thinking about another person, or spend my days not feeling like I have to fit someone else into them. It may read ridiculous when he seemed perfect, but perfect is not what always right.
To me, a relationship became a chore, and that’s when you know it is not working. And the epiphany I have come to is that I don’t want to be in a relationship. I’m completely secure with being single, and in fact, I need it.
Relationships are agreements. You compromise your own character, and you own wants to gain a middle ground. But this middle ground is something for adults, for couples, for parents who have children. It is not for a 20 year old student like me who needs to live a little before I know where to start, what I want to do, and to know what kind of guy I want to be with.
The main problem is that I, and I assume many other students, are what can only be described as fragmented adults. My mind is a mess made up from years of accumulated knowledge and experience, without yet being sorted into a fully formed person. The student life is one of highs and turmoil; it is one where you’re constantly uprooted, having to adapt to new situations and plan the rest of your life within a few fast years. I can’t comprehend at all how anyone can, within the ruckus, can even think of settling down.
But then I take a step back, and romance shakes me. I know what love feels like, and I know it tops anything else, any drama, any life changes, anything. Maybe what I had just, wasn’t love. Maybe it was just never going to work.
It’s probably wrong to ever call a true, everlasting relationship a contract. A real relationship to me should be organic. And yes, there are compromises, but these should be effortless and done without thought, because that’s what love is. Love is living, happily without questioning the way you feel.
So yes, it appears I have taken a whole u-turn on my theory. The point I am trying to make is that if you can rationalise any negativities within a relationship, without the unquestionable element of love overshadowing this, then maybe your relationship isn’t working. Relationships do need time to grow, and breathe, but a busy university environment seems to suffocate the time and space needed for this growth. Love is organic; just because your housemates and friends are going into relationships, doesn’t mean you should have to feel any pressure to do so either. Especially at this age and point in our lives where some of us are nearer to graduating than others, perhaps it is best to embrace frivolities prior to the serious endeavours that are soon to await us.
I think it's interesting you chose the social contract as an analogy. I always interpreted the social contract as one where you give up certain freedoms in return for greater benefits, such as protection of private property and the rule of law when injustice occurs. In the same way, I'd extend the analogy and say that although you are losing certain 'freedoms', you're also gaining security, trust, stability, someone's understanding and many more great benefits that in some way exceed the personal freedoms (which is why I assume most people do eventually settle down for). Having said that, it sounds like you did the right thing, and I know what you mean about uni not being the right time to settle down permanently - I can't believe people I know are already getting engaged and married!
Interesting article, I like the social contract analogy too (but maybe that's because I'm mid revision 
).
comment deleted by the author
comment deleted by the author A thought-provoking analysis of the Hobbesian versus quasi-Aristotelian conceptions of a relationship. There's an essay in there somewhere...
Ridiculously happy in a relationship at the moment, but I will agree with this:
"The main problem is that I, and I assume many other students, are what can only be described as fragmented adults. My mind is a mess made up from years of accumulated knowledge and experience, without yet being sorted into a fully formed person. "
So true.
Wow! Properly reflective thinking, intelligence and nice writing. In a Lifestyle piece on the Yorker! Thank you for this. It was interesting and refreshing.
You must log in to submit a comment.
Report